Happy birthday, me.
Colours of the Wind, Vanessa Williams
I figured I must’ve changed a lot these few years. People come, people go. They leave sweetness, bitterness, should-haves as they walk past. Some memories are easily retrievable, while some are left behind in one of the drawers and kept away behind my mind. Thought processes change.
When changes occur to you, are you still you? You’re no longer the same as yourself a while ago. Change is gradual, you probably don’t notice it – but you are definitely different from your past you. I don’t think the analogy of orange applies here, because 1. you’re not an orange 2. ripening is a good thing, but change is not necessary a good thing.
What makes you uniquely you, makes the world worth it to have you here with the rest of them? Your strengths, weaknesses, skills, competencies, likes, dislikes, emotions, thought processes, skin elasticity, bone density etc. change as time goes by. What of you remains the same from the beginning of time?
Sometimes you don’t know what is the extent of change you should do to yourselves. How much should you change for your friends, family, lover, society? Why do you change for them? Is it because they want you to, or for a better future, or for peace and harmony, or…? How much change is sufficient? Is it possible to change 180 degrees of yourself? Is this change something deep within you, something you’ve finally discovered it; or is it externally induced? If you change, does that mean you’ve lost a bit of yourself? That at the end of time, you no longer belong to you yourself, but to the society? If you don’t belong to yourself anymore, then what is the point of change? Or do you not belong to yourself all along?
So many thoughts are running through my mind right now, some I prefer not to disclose publicly (does anyone reads this anyway, hellooo?). So I shall leave this just yet.
Sad to say that my heart is filled with so much secrets confusion hatred(?) envy loneliness selfishness fear sadness, that there is too little space for love, happiness and gratitude, even on this special day. But I still want to thank all of you who made it a little bit more special than normal days.
It would take some time before I figure out a way to unload all these unnecessary weight and replace them with light fluffy sweetness. I hope you will be patient and give me some time. If you don’t want to, it’s alright. Despite the bitterness, I understand if you want to leave. Really, I do.
Still, thank you.