Of writing & emotions

by zee

I don’t like that writing is my way of releasing emotions. It’s taking up too much time, but I have to write. Or type, in this technology-dependent age. Have to feel the keyboard tapping down, listen to the sounds of every alphabets typed and words formed while the background music plays. Have to unclog all these thoughts emotions feelings that are stuck at the productivity outlet. Not like I write well but. At least better than talking.

Writing doesn’t give you instant feedback. Technically you’re only talking to yourself, but somehow you feel so comfortable. Are you still one entity or have you split into two? You wonder. Don’t people yearn for attention and comfort? But at times, when you get only air, the Self is the best audience. Yes, my dear, you are my bestest frenemy one could ever have.

I am always envious of those who can freely speak out their minds. I envy their ability to make friends so fast, to bond with people so well, to be so confident and happy. These are the things that I crave for but don’t get. I also envy that they don’t think as much, don’t care as much, can be as selfish as childish as irresponsible as easy as they want. I’m perfectly with how my life has been so far. So grateful that I have a really good life thus far. But still, we all expect life to be perfect, or at least go according the way we want, don’t we? It’s human nature.

There are so many things that I should learn, should acquire. Gratitude, confidence, love, patience, acceptance, open-mindedness, humble, maturity, responsibility, assertiveness, positivity, etc etc etc. So many things I should throw away, so many things I should do.

Isn’t it strange, that at 1.45AM, 32 out of 600+ FB friends are online, but here I am talking to myself?

Sometimes I don’t know what I want, what I should want, what I shouldn’t want. Should I take into so much considerations? Is that my right? Do I even have that kind of right? Will it cause trouble? I’m complaining too much – am I too greedy? Do I want too much?

I don’t like that the blog is so emo but there really aren’t happy moments that is worth noting down. Oh wells. Hopefully it will return to its original positive shape yeah.

Darling, stay strong. This is what you’ve been waiting for. It may not be exactly what you’ve expected, but treat this as value-added package. Keep your priorities straight. Focus on the present. Get enough sleep for God’s sake T_T