Everywhere I went, I looked for you. You were only slightly taller than me, inclusive of your short spiky hair. Sometimes it reminds me of a durian. Your round face frames your thick eyebrows and big eyes with their droopy lids, your thick lips with two sharp upper canine teeth poking out at your lower lip whenever you smile. I liked those teeth, how it made your otherwise slightly fierce face become so innocent and child-like. How much I loved your smile.
You always pair a polo tee, with the collar upturned, with 3/4 pants (was it khaki?) and sports shoes. I remember, once, touching your hair, because there was hair wax that you forgot to smoothen. I didn’t tell you how nervous I was. I felt weird – a good weird. Time slowed down, my heart beating loudly, the surroundings faded into a blur. Just like in the movies. I probably had an urge to lean across the table, towards you, and then-
Everywhere I went, I seemed to hear your voice. You told me things that happened in your family, in your university, your virtual life, your past, your interest. We sang to each other (in typed words). I looked forward to your calls every time you said you would call – and you never missed a promise – and we would talk until late night. More often than not, it’s you who talked the most; I only gave appropriate response here and there, careful not to fall asleep. I regret to say that your interest bores me, but I loved listening to you. I loved the attention during those calls, because it was only at those moments that you are mine.
I wish I was less shy. I wish I had more courage to tell you more about myself, to speak out my mind and heart. Perhaps you will have the time and opportunity to fulfill your promises – who knows they might not be empty tin cans after all?
I wonder, what happened to us in the parallel universe?
Everywhere I went, I smell you – your perfume, to be exact.
A sweet, lingering scent that illustrates an expansive space. I told you I liked your perfume, but I didn’t tell you how much I enjoyed it. Literally anywhere I went, I smell this, and I would thought you were nearby, and my heart would pace. Maybe I half-expected you to pop up from nowhere and give me a surprise. I would love that. When I entered the shop that sells your perfume, I would take the sample bottle down from its shelf, open the cap and take a deep breath in of the fragrance. I want you to fill my senses with the memories that you gave me, despite how short it was. To me, that fragrance is the epitome of shy and awkward (bitter)sweet happiness.
So much so, that this was the reason why it was so difficult for me. Your fragrance appeared whenever I missed you; and then it (you) will surround me as long as I wanted. What a paradox, this – it felt so comforting and yet so painful.
Yes, I missed you. I missed you I missed you I missed you I missed you. So much.
No, I didn’t tell you this.
Do you know how long it took me to stop thinking about you? And how long did it take you to find another person? This imbalance hurt me, I don’t even know why it did. I guess this was the reason why it all broke down quietly. No, I didn’t tell you this either, because I had no right to do so. I would check out your updates now and then, not feeling entirely comfortable with that photo of the girl’s presence by your side. But what else could I do, besides occupying myself with something else while waiting for Time to pass me by?
This is the last thing I shall say to you. My most precious memory of you is not the time we ate ice-cream or people-watching from the third floor. You came back, I knew you would. I saw you – your side profile, to be exact. How much I wanted to call out your name – my heart pounding, calculating the risks and desires of following my intuition – but I didn’t. I waited anxiously for the school bell to ring, my mind flew to wherever you are, my hands writing down very quickly what was on my mind, my ears not listening to the teacher. And when I walked out of class, you were there, leaning against the handrail, holding a bottle of water.
Time stood still – it felt like we were the only important ones in this world; the ignorant crowd flowed by, the world continued its spin – or did it stop spinning too? Lugging my bag on my shoulder, I smiled widely and ran towards you, and then gave you a big, tight hug. The crowd continued to flow. You were stunned, but you hugged me back lightly – just how I knew you would – and I felt happy at the touch of your thick, comforting palms and fingertips on my back. When I pulled away, I looked at you and saw your twinkling eyes smiling back at me, and that pair of cute canine teeth. I felt my hand in your tight grip.
Time stood still – it felt strangely, happily uncomfortable. Millions of thoughts and scenes ran through my mind, logic and desire playing with ‘but’s and ‘what-if’s. IwanttohugyouholdyourhandkissyourcheekactnormalavoidyouIreallywanttohugyouIwantto- And I forced Time to continue its walk. I smiled at you, trying to show only my surprise instead of happiness on my face, and acted normal around you. Such suppression brought about normal societal flow and normal life with normal human relationships and normal story line with normal endings but my memory, I, with or without this suppression, am forever marked with that moment when my heart stopped beating, and picked up its pace again.
First draft: 10 Mar 2013
Edits: 26 Apr 2013
Final: 4 May 2013, 3:17AM (well I was waiting for a download to finish, so I figured the blog requires my personal updates instead of reblogs lol)