Lonely talks

by zee

Study week is a period of extreme loneliness. You are stuck at your desk 24/7 and not talking to anyone for at least a week. OMG such a torture. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lonely in my life. Is this why people get married, to escape this dreary loneliness?

So when you’re alone and have no-one to communicate with, you talk to yourself.

1. I want to…

  • Get a motorcycle licence.
  • Hop on a random bus and drop off at the last stop, wherever it is.
  • Do lots of spa. Yeah. I like spa.
  • Solo travel around Peninsular Malaysia.
  • Maybe work-and-travel somewhere in the near future.

Despite it not contributing to my personal development, I breathe escapism. I often associate this place I am now with loneliness, even though I was the one who made the choice to study here. I wanted to leave my comfort zone and see something else. That’s the reason why I’m constantly on my toes – I’m never satisfied with the present. Or, with the physical presence. Greedy as I am, my eyes and ears and heart want to devour freshness. Perhaps, after 3 years, I got bored. Am I difficult to satisfy, or I have too high of a standard (to quote my mom)?

2. Random thoughts that no-one bothers to listen to except my mom, who is now in a SEA country for the third time:

  • The university is supposedly a place filled with vibrant youth energy. We’ve seen many examples where university students hold rallies and protest for rights, no matter their rights or that of others. This proves that they are in touch with the nation’s and world’s affairs, and they have their own opinions, based on solid grounds.
    What I’ve seen here in my university (perhaps just within the people I’m around with) are that they’re highly glued to their laptop screen, reading Facebook/group deal sites/travelling sites/food reviews or watching dramas/music videos. Take the example of GE 13 – they’d rather read stuff off Facebook rather than getting news from trusted news source. They’re influenced by their peers and they generally do not have solid opinions. They stereotype different races while claiming they embrace the 1Malaysia concept. Hypocrisy much?
    Another thing is they’re afraid of change, afraid of the sun wtf, afraid of doing things by themselves, afraid of everything that requires an ounce of their (mechanical) energy. They’d rather talk and talk and talk and then do nothing/expect somebody else to do it for them.
    Maybe I’m biased, maybe I’m just like them, I have no one to verify this. Maybe I have too high of an expectations?
  • We place a lot of trust in the society, in people who wears a uniform and/or with a job title. Take the case of the man who died in the police lock-up recently. We trusted the police to take good care of those in the custody and yet, look at what happened. He may be guilty of whatever offenses, but that is not a good reason to kill a man just cuz you’re bored/told to do so/it’s a norm. Come on, have some brains, can?
    Back to the topic. If we put a random person on the streets into a suit and place him in a clean, smart office – would you not believe he’s the CEO of the company?
    I mention “trust” – we trust that shopkeepers are honest; that police will take action when they say so; that lawyers will defend justice/your case; that the janitors will clean your toilets sparkling clean. Strip off a person of his/her job title and/or uniform and he/she instantly becomes nothing.
  • We are all alone in this world. As we grow up, we only showcase certain parts of us to the world. To different people we face, we are of a different person. X might know you as a someone fun and adventurous while Y thinks of you as one who always have something going on in your mind. So which is you?
    And then you get tired of opening and closing your different selves. Sometimes you wish to bare it all to just a few people you hold dear to, so that at least you know who you actually are; and that at least there are people who appreciate you for being you – fun & adventurous while being deep as well. But you don’t know to whom you should expose yourself to; and will they accept you, or will they find you a freak?
    So as you sit there and hesitate, you’re all alone.

A’ite I really gotta shower now. 2.5 hours passed and not a single academic reading done. Byebye.