3.36 AM, 26/12/2013

by zee

Currently playing: Sayuri’s Theme from Memoirs of a Geisha OST. Composer: John Williams

It’s 3 AM OH GOSH time passes by when you’re doing math. Really simple math, plus minus multiply divide log here natural number there. Math was my favourite subject during high school. I’m not exactly very mathematical-minded – ughhh I worked really really hard OK and could never beat #1 out, hahaha #kiasu – but I love math. Unlike other subjects, there ain’t much thinking to do. Just look at the problem, search high & low for possible solutions, come up with a strategy and pen it down!!! Love the adrenaline rush when I write down lines and lines of equations and since this hence that. Waiting in motion for the solution. Oops wrong answer? Re-do. I’d try repeatedly to solve a problem no matter how difficult it is. Cut down the gigantic humongous chunk of meat into smaller pieces and analyse it carefully, turn it over here and there, figure out what strategy is needed to solve this piece, how should I combine with that other strategy? Could it be used together?

(High school math is of course nothing like degree math, I think. But still.)

Math is probably the only part of my life where I am focused & solution-oriented. Perhaps also which displays my curiosity & kiasuness to the max hahahaha must solve no matter what I don’t care if I offend you, math problem. Oh another thing about math is that it does not get offended!!! LOL.

Hmmm as I type this I wonder why hadn’t I consider a career degree in math. (No idea what you could do with math.) All these social pressure & norms around me #blameothersexceptmyself

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It is exam period right now. More specifically, study week. Hellish 14 days of cramming, instant noodles & having the room by myself before finals begin.

Oh just now I wanted to compete with the neighbour, to see who sleeps later, hahaha -_- #childish their room is dark now, most likely they’re asleep. What am I still doing here lol.

Anyways. I’ve been slacking waaaay too much this semester/finals. It’s apparent that I’ve lost that motivation to push really hard for that CGPA. Not that I have an exact goal anyway. Kept saying that pharmacy ain’t my kinda thing; that I should be travelling all year round, around the world; or that I shall quit pharmacy after my bond and join the corporate or something. Hah, so much dreams. Is it normal to dream so much at the not-so-tender age of 22? Who else on earth at the age of 22 still dreams of traveling the world? And die die want to make it happen??? -_- #nevergrowup

My naivete is definitely not making my life any easier -_- Being so naive means there are too many pressure around you that you have to resist. EVERYONE around me (including peers of the similar age) will say travel the world is impossible. EVERYONE would smile a “grow up” when I tell them what I intend to do when I graduate. EVERYONE doesn’t seem to understand when I tell them peers around me are old people, and smile a “grow up this is the world” at me.

UGHH. Why don’t people have dreams anymore??? Is it wrong to have absurd dream like this??? :/

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How much of acceptance should you give yourself? How do you judge whether this is self-love or merely giving up and refuse to improve yourself further?

My music collection is so old. Not all music are worth listening frequently in long-term.

One side says “give everything you’ve got” while the other side says “leave some for yourself”. Referring to feelings, in a way. I’m still young – if I don’t give everything now, when? Only during your youth do you have such crazy energy & naivete to do silly childish things. But what if something bad happens and whambam your effort all gone down to waste – will I be left of nothing to give to what comes next? Is it OK to believe in a regenerative self, that I have infinite capacity to give, even though I’ve never experienced that whambam?

How do you cope with it when you realise that what people have told you, what conventional methods have told you all these 20+ years, are, in fact, wrong not accurate?

Why la do I have so many questions. I bet if I tell people these they will throw me a blank look and a “don’t think so much” smile. Thanks.

3.35 AM. I hope that’s cathartic. Brain you better not run.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year in advance yo.

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